You’ve noticed that something between you doesn’t feel quite right.
You’re having the same conversation over and over, and it never seems to go anywhere. You miss how close you used to feel. Things look fine from the outside, but inside the relationship, you feel lonely and worried.
You bring up couples therapy, and your partner says something like, “Every couple goes through this. We’ll be fine.”
Now you’re wondering whether therapy can help when you’re the only one who seems to see the changes.
It can.
You two don’t have to feel the same way about the relationship before you come to therapy, and you don’t even have to agree that there’s something that needs addressing.
What matters more is whether both of you are willing to show up and try some new ways of communicating.
One of You May Be Ready Before the Other
This is incredibly common.
One partner may have been thinking about couples counseling for months. They’ve noticed the distance, the tension, or how quickly conversations turn into arguments.
The other partner may feel caught off guard by even the mention of it. From their perspective, the relationship may be going through a stressful season, but they don’t see it as something that requires talking to someone.
Sometimes one person notices emotional changes earlier. They sense when conversations become shorter, affection becomes less frequent, or resentment starts building.
The other person may be looking at the practical parts of the relationship. You’re still taking care of the kids, going to work, paying the bills, and showing up for family commitments. To them, that may mean the relationship is okay.
Your Partner May Be Unsure About Therapy, Not the Relationship
Your Partner May Be Unsure About Therapy, Not the Relationship
A partner who hesitates about therapy probably still cares about the relationship.
But they may be worried about what therapy will be like.
They may picture sitting in a room while you list everything they’ve done wrong, and assume I’ll take sides. They may worry they’ll be blamed, judged, or pushed to talk about things they’re not ready to discuss.
Plus, some people simply don’t like the idea of talking with someone they’ve never met about something so private.
I get it.
A Psychology Today article by psychotherapist Amy Morin echoes that reluctance about couples or marriage therapy can come from practical concerns, discomfort discussing private matters, fear of being judged, or doubts that therapy will help. Hesitation doesn’t necessarily mean your partner doesn’t care about the relationship.
A Psychology Today article by psychotherapist Amy Morin explains that reluctance about couples or marriage therapy can come from practical concerns, discomfort discussing private matters, fear of being judged, or doubts that therapy will help. Hesitation doesn’t necessarily mean your partner doesn’t care about the relationship.
What Couples Therapy Can Look Like When One Person Is Skeptical
As a couples therapist, I’m not there to decide who’s right.
Instead of trying to determine whose perspective about a scenario is more accurate,
Maybe one of you brings up a concern because you want reassurance. The other person hears criticism and becomes quiet or defensive. Then the first person feels ignored and tries even harder to get a response.
Before long, both of you are frustrated, and neither of you feels understood.
When we can see that pattern, we can stop spending all our time trying to prove who started it.
I’ll help you slow the conversation down and look at what is happening between you. I teach you skills to listen, build empathy, and approach future situations differently.
The American Psychological Association describes couples therapy as a way to help partners step back from the immediate disagreement and see the larger pattern in their relationship.
That’s often when the conversation begins to change. Instead of staying focused on the latest argument, you can start understanding what keeps pulling you both back to the same disconnect.
The First Session Isn’t Only About Problems
Why I work with Mentaya
The First Session Isn’t Only About Problems
A couples therapy online session with me is not a long rehashing of everything that has gone wrong.
I want to hear what each of you hopes for.
What would you like conversations to feel like? When do the two of you feel most connected? What would help home feel calmer or more peaceful?
Your hopes may be different.
You may say, “I want to feel closer.”
Your partner may say, “I want us to stop arguing about every little thing.”
One of you may want more affection. The other may want less pressure.
We start there.
The ride home is usually not the best time to solve family dynamics. By then, both of you may already feel tense, defensive, or emotionally fried.
After you both have cooled down try something sincere and simple, “I noticed that comment, and I’m sorry I didn’t say anything,” or “I can see why that felt lonely,” can soften things.
Before the next visit talk about a few things so you’re aligned:
- What would help you feel less alone when something uncomfortable happens?
- Which decisions do we need to protect as a couple?
- How often do we realistically want family visits to happen?
I’ll also want to know what’s already working. Even couples who feel stuck usually have moments when things feel easier. Maybe you laugh together. Maybe you work well as a team when something needs to get done. Maybe there are still times when you feel like yourselves.
Those moments matter.
They tell me something about what you’ve built together and what may still be there underneath the frustration.
We’ll even talk about what’s already working. Even couples who feel stuck usually have moments when things feel easier. Maybe you laugh together. Or you work well as a team when something needs to get done.
Those moments matter.
They tell me something about what you’ve built together and what’s underneath the frustration.
You Can Begin From Different Places
You Can Begin From Different Places
One of you can feel ready while the other still feels unsure.
You don’t need the same level of concern, and you don’t need the same explanation for what’s happening.
But you do need some willingness to listen, be honest, and try a few things differently.
Sometimes there’s more going on underneath the communication problems. Maybe she has anxiety, or he feels depressed, and both of you are doing the best you can with very different emotional experiences.
One may want to talk everything through right away, while the other feels exhausted and pulls back. That doesn’t mean either person is trying to make things harder. It may simply mean they need help understanding each other and finding a way to respond that feels better for both of them.
One may want to talk everything through right away, while the other feels exhausted and pulls back. That doesn’t mean either person is trying to make things harder. It may simply mean they need help understanding each other and finding a way to respond that feels better for both of them.
Not Sure How to Bring Up Couples Therapy?
Not Sure How to Bring Up Couples Therapy?
You may have rehearsed the conversation in your head and still have no idea how to bring it up without your partner feeling blamed or becoming defensive.
Download When Your Partner Doesn’t Want Couples Therapy, a free guide that will help you:
• Explain why therapy matters to you without making your partner the problem
• Understand what may be behind their hesitation
• Talk about what you miss and what you want for your relationship
• Suggest a first step that doesn’t feel like a huge commitment
• Find words to get the conversation started.
This guide will help you find a way to bring up going to couples therapy in a way that sounds like you and makes it clear that you want help for the relationship, not someone to fix your partner.
About Dr. Kristin Barnhart
Dr. Kristin Barnhart is a licensed psychologist in Connecticut, couples therapist, and founder of Breakthrough Counseling, LLC. She has been a licensed clinician for more than 30 years and provides online therapy for couples and individuals.
Dr. Barnhart works with committed couples in many stages of life, including dating, engaged, newly married, long-married, parenting, empty nest, and later-life couples.
She specializes in helping couples improve communication, understand recurring conflict, repair trust, create healthier family boundaries, and rebuild emotional closeness.
She also provides online therapy for individuals navigating relationship conflict, anxiety, depression, stress, grief, and life transitions.
Her work is warm, practical, and tailored to your real life. She uses evidence-informed approaches, including cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), solution-focused therapy, and strengths-based care. Christian-based support is available upon request.
Dr. Barnhart is authorized through PSYPACT to provide telepsychology in more than 40 participating states.
To learn more about whether therapy may be a good fit, you’re invited to schedule a complimentary 15-minute introductory call by calling or texting 860-333-8773.
This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for therapy, diagnosis, or emergency care.
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